So, every week I try something new to keep relevant, put myself out there and open my eyes up to new opportunities. It may sound silly, but it really works!
This week I decided to knock an item off my bucket list. There are two things on my list that I actively avoid crossing off, simply because of fear. Just thinking about it gives me more anxiety than I care to admit. I would rather give 100 public speeches then endure this type of angst. What are the two things that cause me such term oil? Well I’ll tell you, but don’t laugh too hard, eating at a restaurant alone and going to the movies alone.
I know what you are thinking, this is nothing compared to sky diving, bungee jumping or walking over hot coals. But to me, it is almost painfully crippling to consider let alone do. Which is silly beyond belief because fear really is all just in your head!
Well today, I decided to face one of those fears! The new Wonder Women movie came out and I really wanted to see it. All of my family and friends are out-of-town on holiday so I decided this would be the perfect movie to see when checking off my “New Thing of the Week”. Wonder Women, is empowering, kicks all kinds of ass, has amazing hair and bone structure. How could I not see this movie and why would I wait for someone else to see it with me?
So tonight, I took myself out for a change. Many people have done this before and make it look so easy, so why can’t I? I booked my ticket, got dressed, fixed my hair and drove to the theatre saying words of affirmation to keep calm. I pulled up to the theatre almost in a dead sweat and shaking as my nevers were getting the best of me. All I keep thinking about is, what are people going to think when they see me here alone. Is she sad and lonely, does she not have friends, or family, did she get stood up? In all honestly, these are all things that would have gone through my head so, why wouldnt others think others thing the same. When I should be thinking, good for them, going to a moive they want to see and being confident enought to do it!
I get out of my car and try to walk confidently into the theater, I get to the ticket kiosk where they scan my ticket and I’m in! All of a sudden I don’t feel so much fear, I’m thinking to my self this is so easy what was I worried about, I have got this. I begin to make my way to my seat, which is conveniently located under a spot-light. At that point my anxiety and fear come rushing back like a title wave, I can’t breathe, my chest it tight, the spot-light is hitting my face and there is no where to hide.
I calmly sit down in my seat and begin scanning the room. There is a group of friends out for a fun night sitting 5 seats away from me. The give me one quick stare a half-smile and go back to what they were doing. I see couple by couple enter the theater and watching them find their seats all the while thinking, I hope someone creepy doesn’t sit next to me. Luckily, the seat next to me stayed open so that eliminated one stressor.
As the lights started to dim, I had an epiphany! I began to realize that all of this fear in my head is really just fear of people and their comments or stares. As a child I was always made fun of and as an adult you know when people are talking about you and frankly it bothers me to no avail. Why do I care so much about what people think of me? Frankly it is pointless, it causes me anxiety and is nothing I can really change. This is when my trusty moto comes in…”LET GO AND LET GOD DEAL WITH IT!” There are things you can’t control and to that, why waste your time worrying about the things you can’t control and worry about the things you can. In my case, that would be enjoying this movie all by myself! Why should I be scared to do anything alone? Why do you need someone with you to do things you enjoy? Well, I found out last night, you don’t need someone to enjoy things, you can do that all on your own. It’s nice to have someone there but not necessary.
When the final credits rolled, I took a deep breath of excitement as I had done something just for me all by myself. I felt empowered and proud, like nothing could scare me, maybe I will even go eat by myself at a restaurant tomorrow. I get in my car and make the drive home. As I get to my house, I open the garage door, unlock the house and all my pups come running out to see me. I get them all back inside and set the alarm as it is now 2AM. I do one quick sweep of the house to make sure all of the doors are locked and we are safe for the night. The next thing I know, my burglary alarm is going off and I am shaking uncontrollably. I grab my gun, rush to the alarm to see where it was tripped and it say the kitchen, which was the last place I was. At that point I realized, I set the alarm wrong and it went off because of me! My mom calls saying, I just had the worst dream. Tell me two things you love from your childhood. So I rattle off, my purple high heels and the Christmas we all got cakes. She took a deep breath and said, “Oh good, no one has you. I dreamed the alarm went off and burglars were holding you hostage!”
I can’t even begin to tell you how much this rattled me. First off, that is the nightmare I dream about all the time, and secondly my alarm did just go off. So then I start thinking, maybe it wasn’t me that set off the alarm, maybe someone is in the house with me. My dad finally grabs the phone from my mom and tells her to hush as he can see that I am beyond freaked out at this point. He says, “Stop talking mom, your scaring the daylights out of her!” At that point my dad is on FaceTime with me, I take him, my gun and do a walk through of the house to make sure I really was alone! Surprise, surprise I was! Again, fear all in my head. I proceed to take two sleeping pills to try to force mslef asleep when I know I would not sleep otherwise.
Before I could even fall asleep, I realized. It’s not that I can’t be alone and do things by myself, but that I don’t want to. I have more fun with a partner in crime by my side and lord knows it would have been ten times less nerve-racking when the alarm went off if I had someone else here with me. I can do things alone, and I will continue to do things on my own, but now I understand I really just enjoy having someone there to share the moment with!
So after all of this, the moral of this story is…Go out, do what you enjoy, find someone you like to do things with and see Wonder Women, because it was freaking FANTASTIC!!!